One of the first things we made poor Fran do was go grocery-shopping with us, which is like unto Hell.

Fran started falling over when putting on her sandals. This was my first opportunity to see British balance fail. Kodak moment successfully captured.

At Denny's! Almost as magic as Disney.

Oh glorious university campus! I made my houseguest run around in the heat with no payoff in sight.

Chess was invented so that one day we might be able to recreate the Council of Elrond using the appropriate pieces, sorting out height and complexion. Gandalf has a toothpick staff. Legolas is the white queen. Everything is as it should be.

Look how happy Fran is to be eating our greasy American food and our weak soda. I think we almost killed her for real.

Nicole has a fork. Every picture is made better by the inclusion of cutlery.

At Disney World. This might be the first stage of heatstroke.

On The Transportation Authority, which is like a hit of heroin. Your world calms. Your worries fade. There is no sadness.

What is this? A ____ Mountain ride. Thunder maybe. You can see how the anticipation is driving the girls mad, mad!

Peter Pan's Flight! It's got Captain Hook, at least, which fulfills my pirate quota.

SPEAKING OF MOTHERFUCKING PIRATES! HALLELUJAH! My mecca. Oh holy land!

I don't remember who took this, but I'm in line for the ride, which explains my ridiculous glee.

It's a stone wall! Plus a man-made lake. Photo opportunity.

The best picture I have ever taken. My friends! At their best and brightest! Jesus hell, I love you whores.

The end of our day at Disney, and Fran's visit, pretty much. See, there's this tram you ride back out to the parking lot. And we missed our stop (not a long story), and were the only ones left at the end, and had to ride back to the park with a snickering hostess and meeting the curious stares of the people boarding. Eventually we got our shit together after deciding not to ride around a third time just for the hell of it.